Wednesday, April 30, 2008


Feeds: 17ml.. Tolerating well... Woohoo!!
Vent settings... Good.. Rate has gone back down. Pressures are the same.. O2 still about the same..

Still slight edemic... She will probably get a dose of lasix tonight and I think that will take care of it.. But still not really clear on why she is swelling.. Maybe respiratory issues? Her kidneys seem to be fine. She looks about the same as she did yesterday so I guess that is good...

Alo was kind of irritating her today.. He was super excited about everything I guess and being kind of loud and she was making sure we knew she did not like it.. She has had a good day though and her night is going well also.

She was moved into a different warmer bed today because hers broke... It was not heating up..Bye Bye Giraffe bed... We will miss you

On with the pictures....

My poor bald baby :(


Courtney and Aybra


Nanny Fallon and Aybra


Me, Alo and Aybra


And leaning in for our close up


Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Belly pic progression...

4 weeks:


6 weeks:


14 weeks:


Me and Kaia bellies.. 17 weeks:


19 weeks:


23 weeks:


24 weeks:


25.. The day before my water broke:


And an "After" pic... Woohoo, right?



Having my body back is nice and all... but not when she is supposed to still be in there!!!


I didnt update last night... I wanted to so I could ask for some prayers but I was busy with Alo..

Anyway.. Here is the 28th and 29th all into one..

On the 27th I thought her head looked a little bigger so I measured... I got 27cm. I wasnt sure what her last one was so I had nothing to compare it to and before I got a chance to look I forgot.. On the 28th I looked and her last one (from a week prior) was 25.5.. So I thought my eyes were just playing tricks on me and it was because she was growing.. Well She had some swelling last night... So I guess my eyes were fine and it was just the beginning of balloon baby..

She was weighed last night and she was 1405.. HUGE weight gain (due to the swelling).. So in the middle of the night she was given some lasix... A lot of fluid is off today but she is still swollen...

Her feeds have been increasing everyday (quite quickly actually). She is up to 15ml now!!! That is OVER what she was taking before..

Her vent settings keep getting bumped up. He co2 the past couple days hasnt been all that great. (77, 74, 69).. While it is getting lower Id like to see much lower and lower vent settings.. Today they bumped her up to a rate of 32. Pressures are still the same (20 and 4.5)..

Overall she is doing well... I can't believe that on Thursday she will be 31 weeks GA! It just does not seem like it... I have this thought in my mind that she is having the typical preemie journey and while she is, I didnt expect her to be on the vent at 31 weeks especially since she was off before! It just seems like the other day they put her back on.. but I guess not.. Anyway Its great that time is flying since it means she will be home sooner.

Ive been busy getting everything ready for her to come home.. Carseat, clothes, diapers, etc.. The only thing really lacking is a coming home outfit... but I tend to put sleepers on for that and I think I will wait until we start talking discharge to find an outfit.. First girl means I can get a cute coming home outfit..

Sunday, April 27, 2008


Thank you Beth D. and the Grace United Church of Christ from PA for the adorable prayer doll!!



A picture from tonight:


When I visit her I will sometimes take something to do while she is sleeping.. This is one of the recent projects. A dress!


And a new diaper cover to match her dress! Too bad the dress is Micro-preemie sized and the cover is NB ;) Guess I will have to make a new dress.

The back:


And the front:


Its Sunday... Time for a rant!!

So... This is 99% not Aybra related.... 1% Aybra related and a whole lot of rant...

I was informed by Eden that I Posted too much personal information on this blog.. Personal information about him.... You know what..?? I DO NOT CARE!!! I am entitled to post what I want.. If he has issues with it (which was his behaviour).. then perhaps he should change his behaviours... I gave Eden the blog link after that particular blog was posted.. Obviously if I was worried about him reading that blog then I would not have given him the link or I would have taken that blog down... If he is just now seeing it then that is his problem.. Not mine.. I am NOT taking that blog down...

Apparently the issue started because some person that he knows out of state has been reading the blog (Hi whoever you are... Id be interested to hear how you found the blog)... They called his family and was asking if that was him.. Umm YEP that is him.. He can deny it all he wants..But that is him and Aybra is his child... Anyway I guess he was confronted with some of the information in that post (Again his problem not mine)... And he doesnt want to look bad in front of his family... Oh I could go into much more detail but I will not.. I left a lot of the information that he sent in the email that I quoted OUT of the blog post to help "protect" him... But trust me... if I posted it his family would NOT be happy then he would have a real reason to complain... Anyway.. as I said.. That blog is staying...

(UPDATE Monday: So Eden read the blog.. Woop-Dee-Doo! Apparently Eden seems to think that I post about him to make him look like a bad guy... Wrong.. Or that I want sympathy.. Wrong again.... If I wanted him to look like a bad guy I could post a lot worse stuff... But to save him and his family I won't. Im not low like that..But his most recent request... Not to use his name when I post.. Um not using his name?? What is that supposed to do? Keep it a secret that he is the father? I will use his name when and where I want.. If he doesnt like the fact that he is the father then tough for him... If he doesnt like that I post crappy things about him then tough for him. I owe him nothing. He owes Aybra everything.. and 15 or 20 minute visits every other day is just not enough... To which he thinks "I will go to visit when I want and I dont owe anybody an explanation for the frequency or length of visits. I will be her father my own natural way with no conditions or dictations" Right... So he can chose to stay there for 15 minutes and that is his natural way of parenting... WTH are you going to teach a child with a 15 minute visit?? I surely hope he sees the wrong in this and wants to become an actual father figure to her instead of just a "visitor")

The Aybra related bit is a rant also.

Every morning as soon as I get up I call to check on Aybra... I call every 2-3 hours throughout the day and night and every time I pump and sometimes in between those times as well.. So yesterday morning I called and talked to Aybras nurse.. She asked me if I was planning on seeing her today... I simply told her yes.. Today she asked me again... and Im sure I was rude when replying but I took offense to it.. I am there EVERY SINGLE DAY to check on her... I call multiple times EVERY SINGLE DAY to check on her. Granted there are parents that do not care and do not bother to call or go visit everyday.. there are also those who CANT call or visit everyday.. I am not one of those parents.. I do whatever it takes so I can go and see my child in the hospital. So when I gave her my answer today I told her that I am there EVERY SINGLE DAY. I think she could sense the tone of my voice because she said "I thought I saw you everyday but I wasnt sure".... Now, I know she didnt mean anything by her question at all but my gosh... Look through Aybras records.. I have never missed a day and do not plan on it. There have been some days that the nurses did not chart some of calls or my visits but there is not a single day in her chart where absolutely NO call or visit from are shown. Every single day shows at least some of my calls and visits.

When Alo was in the hospital for 3+ months I only missed 7 days and my excuses are really dang good. 4 of those days I was sick and was not allowed to visit. One was car trouble and the other two weather related (If you live in Arkansas then you understand the weather issue). Alo was in a NICU an hour away yet I made the drive every single day (besides those seven). I never missed a single day when Kaia was in the NICU.

And just to make it more Aybra related...

Aybra had some desat episodes today.. They increased her feeds today.. The first three were 9ml then it was going up to 10ml... Woohoo! We are almost back to where we were before her setbacks... She is growing great, tolerating her feeds... Her vent settings are kind of back and forth... but things are looking good.

Did I post this picture before? (Sorry I take so many I cant remember what ones Ive posted or not). This was during KC on the 24th.. I was taking the picture myself so it isnt all that great but its the best one I had... I need to go transfer pics to my computer then Ill update some more pics from last night.



A quick update:

Shes doing well..

Changed the ET tube last night because she was having some issues and the tube changed helped with the issues...

She had to get another transfusion.. Its going right now as I type this. I think this makes around 7 now.. I stopped counting.

Weight is 1235 grams... (2# 11oz or so)

Feeds are at 7ml and she is tolerating them well... She definitely has reflux. They tried to feed her in her OG tube and she just wasnt having it... Switched back to TPT and she did great.. So thats bad news... I hope it gets better before she comes home.

Pics to come tomorrow.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008


First of all apologies for those who I scared with the lack of updates.. Nothing happened I was just really busy witht he boys and school. Im trying to catch up on 4 weeks worth of work..

Yesterday they started her feeds back!!! However, its only neocate this time.. They will not add the breastmilk until she is up to full feeds :( She is handling her feeds well so far, but she is only getting 1cc (They started her out at .5 yesterday)... One whole cc... She seems to like it though. She smacks her little lips and drools when she is feeding so I think she knows whats happening.

Day before yesterday she was weighed and was 1185. Tonight she was 1190.

On the 21st she had a blood culture.. And another one yesterday.. As of earlier today none of them had grown back anything.

Her vent settings are super low
PIP 20
PEEP 4.5
RR 14
O2 21%

Tonight she was awake so much and looking around. Everytime she heard something she would try to turn her eyes toward the noise. Most nurses sedate her as soon as she starts wiggling so it was nice to have one that let her be herself for a while. She was happy. Heart rate was fine and sats were fine.. She was just having a little party in her bed ;)

Picture of her eyes open and looking around (There is a link to a video right below this picture)


Video of her looking all around

And did I even mention on my last post that I got to hold her again? I cant remember if I did or not.. If I didnt mention it.. I got to hold her the other day.. If I did mention it disregard this ;)

Sunday, April 20, 2008


Nothing too terribly new as far as changes to report. She did gain weight and is now 2.5# (1150). Her X-rays look like she is developing BPD. She still has heart present but the ground glass look is getting worse :( She is doing great respiratory wise though.. Hopefully she will get off of the vent soon before it does any more damage.

Her heart.... Looks like she might be developing right ventricular hypertrophy.. Her next scan will show more..

Now.. on to the fun stuff..

Nanny changing Aybras diaper

Basket from the Church.. what church? I have no idea. It was packed full of stuff.... (small Bible, couple books, journal, toys, blanket, and baby stuff)


I rigged her bow so it would fit her better!


All stretched out..


Saturday, April 19, 2008


Too angry for an actual update... You can be sure I will rant later about it.. In the meantime here is a pic from tonight.


The long awaited un-edited Birth Story

In order to help keep this as short as possible I did not include everything. Most of what is missing can be seen by reading back on the blog.

Thursday March 20th 2008 started as most other days had started. I did notice some extra discharge but just assumed it was the typical pregnancy junk, afterall I was 25 weeks to the day and knew that the discharge was going to be coming soon. I made a trip to the store to pick up some groceries and upon coming home started nesting. I had some back cramps the whole day but I assumed I had just overdone myself so I decided to take a nice long bath. That helped to "wash away" the discharge and ease things with my back. I went to bed feeling much better than I had during the day.

On the 21st things were going great. I had to wear a pantyliner most of the day because the discharge was back with a vengence. I really thought that I had a yeast infection. So, back to the bath I went... I washed up and then started sewing my first diaper on the sewing machine while I waited for Alos nurse Verda to come.. I was finishing the diaper right when she came. I gave her report then around 10pm headed into the living room to sit with Fallon.

We sat beside each other on the loveseat watching funny videos on youtube (one of our favourite pasttimes). Around 11:00pm I had to use the bathroom so I got up and went tinkle, came and sat back down to continue with the youtube funnies About 10 minutes later I felt the need to use the bathroom again. As I was standing up I felt a trickle of fluid and thought I was urinating on myself. I started walking to the bathroom and just stopped in my tracks not even 5 feet away. I was pouring fluid down my legs. I knew then that it was not urine. My water had definitely broken. I grabbed my crotch thinking it would really help it and told my sister that my water broke. I dont know how she reacted like she did but she jumped up, grabbed the telephone from Alos room and called 911. While she was on the phone with them she was looking around for a blanket for me to lay on in the floor so I wouldnt soak the floor. I asked her to find me a waterproof blanket (I had a specific wool blanket in mind but forgot that I had placed it in the washer that day).

She found no blanket but grabbed me a puppy training pad (like a chux pad). I layed on it in the floor while she was on the phone with 911. The entire time I was laying down I felt fluid just gushing out. When my water intially broke I did not even bother to change my clothes. As I was on the floor I started to feel some contractions. I started praying to myself "Please do not let this baby come right now. Please let me make it to the hospital."

About 10 or so minutes after the 911 call the fire department arrived. 3 fire fighters came into the house. The first one that walked in asked me what was going on. I told him my water had broken and he asked me why I had not had the baby yet. He was joking but I was very upset with his joke. My sister told him that I was only 25 weeks pregnant and he simply said Oh. The second firefighter started taking my vitals and the 3rd was just kind of watching everything. He seemed the be the "lookout" and kept going outside to wait on the ambulance.

The ambulance took a bit longer to arrive. Im sure it felt like much longer than it actually was. When they got to the house they brought in a stretcher and I got onto it. I was a little embarassed when I stood up because my pants were soaked and with every little step I could feel more fluid coming out.

I got into the ambulance and it seemed to take forever for them to leave the driveway. In reality it was probably just a few minutes before we started making our way to the hospital. Before that though they took my vitals again. I was pretty scared and nervous. My blood pressure was as high as it has ever been. It was 123/76.

The paramedic in the back of the ambulance with me was a guy and he was telling me all about his day and the calls he had been on. I must say he had a very interesting day and I laughed almost the entire way to the hospital.
When we got to the hospital I was taken straight to a Labour and Delivery room. It just so happened to be the exact same room that I delivered Alo in. It really brought back memories.

I got up off of the stretcher... More fluid leaked out... made my way to the bed, got undressed and into a hospital gown. Im normally not a fan of them in the least but it was a tad bit refreshing to get out of my soaked clothes and into something dry.

As I was getting into the bed the nurse that was going to be taking care of me used an amnisure strip, swiped it across my clothes and confirmed what I already knew. She said "You have definitely ruptured" as if it was not obvious enough from the amount of fluid on my clothes.

I was checked for dilation and was still the same 2cm I had been since around 15 weeks but I was now 60% effaced. I was hooked up to the monitors and was told I would be given an IV for mag and antibiotics and some steroids. I was very anxious to receive the mag despite the problem I knew it came with. It took almost 2 hours from the time I arrived for them to put in the IV, start the mag and administer the steroids.

Throughout the night I was very uncomfortable. On admission I was put into the trendelenburg position and was unable to move. I was having contractions every few minutes but could not get comfortable with them. I had started bleeding and was continuing to leak fluid.

The next day (the 22nd) things were still the same.. Contractions every few minutes and no way of getting comfortable. The mag was slowly increased throughout the day and I was given procardia to help stop the contractions.

What happened next was kind of a blur. The 23rd I remember my sister brining Alo to the hospital but I was so out of it from the mag that I could not even turn myself over in the bed. The contractions had slowed down but the mag was really taking a toll on me and wearing me out. My blood pressure was dropping really low (70/30's - 60/20's etc) so the procardia was stopped. My contractions had completely stopped by this time so they slowly started weaning the mag. On Monday the 24th I was moved out of the L&D room and into a room on the antepartum unit...It was the exact same room that I had been in only 2 weeks before. I was to remain in this room until my baby was delivered.

As I was being moved I just kept thinking to myself that things were going to change and I would be moved back into the L&D room but things seemed to be holding steady. When I got into the room and settled I rang for the nurses so I could use the restroom. One came in, unhooked all of my machines and told me I could get up to use the restroom... *SHOCK* I was not expecting that. I had been using the bedpan so I assumed I would continue using it. Needless to say I was pleased that I was able to use the restroom on my own but a little worried for my baby.

Anyway, on my way to the restroom I felt fluid running down my legs. When I got into the restroom I was turning around to close the door and noticed a puddle of blood on the floor. I thought to myself "Here we go" but nothing happened. I continued to bleed off and on, heavily then not heavily for the next few days.

Every few days I received ultrasounds and Biophysical Profiles. Twice a day I had to do NST's. The baby seemed to be tolerating everything well. My WBC was being monitored every day. It fluctuated but nothing too majour. I was still on the antibiotics so they just kept watching the WBC.

On the 29th I started having decreased fetal movement. It continued on to the 30th. A BPP was repeated and the score was lower than what it had been. The doctor wanted to wait the day out and see what the next day brought. I was expecting things to change and the baby to do better, but the baby only got worse. The heartrate started dropping and I still felt very little movement. The BPP was repeated on the 31st and the numbers were no better.

The decision was made to deliver the baby that day only 26 weeks and 4 days along. I had a very hard time with this choice because it meant a c-section, but I agreed because it was what my baby needed.

I called my sister to let her know but I could not get her to answer the phone. I called Courtney and asked him to call my mother and have her call me at the hospital. She called me and I let her know what was going on. I continued to call my sister for about 40 minutes when she finally came into the room. She had been on her way up to the hospital to surprise me and had no clue that the decision had been made to deliver that day.

The neonatologist came to speak to me about my care plan.. He gave me hell for some of the things on it but quickly realised that I was serious with everything in it and he backed down. He knew that I was not going to change my mind on some things.
The NICU nurse that had taken care of Alo when he was born came to speak to me as well as a whole slew of other people, mostly NICU related.

The anesthesiologist came to speak to me about epidural and spinal options.
Everything was falling into place for a smooth c-section delivery.
We were given a time of around 5.30 - 6pm but as things would go the doctor had to do a delivery at another hospital so we got stuck waiting. While I was in no rush to get my baby out I was anxious to get things over with. Around 7pm I was taken into the operating room. The spinal/epidural was put in and I layed back.. I was prepped for surgery then Fallon and Eden were allowed into the operating room. In my birth plan I had requested that if a c-section be needed that I be allowed to watch the entire thing, or for somebody to tell me everything that was going on as it occured and for the curtain to be dropped as my baby was being delivered so I could see it happen. Luckily they agreed to the first. I was allowed to watch the entire surgery and no drape or curtain was ever put up. I was positioned under a mirror. Fallon and Eden got to sit at the head of the bed and they could see everything as well.

Things were going great... then I heard the doctor say "footling breech". No big deal I thought.. Babies are delivered breech c-section all of the time... But this was not expected. The ultrasound earlier that day had shown the baby head down. The incision was not cut big enough for the doctor to deliver the baby breech. I was informed that the doctor was now doing a "T" on my uterus. My heart sank. I knew this was not good. The doctor just casually told me that because of the "T" I would never be able to have another vaginal delivery and that all future babies would have to be c-section. My mind was made up right then that there would be no more future babies. I would not have another c-section. I did not even want the one that I was in the middle of.

The doctor continue to cut away to try and free the baby. After a few minutes that seemed like many more the baby was delivered (8.28pm) and handed off to the awaiting NICU team. I heard little cries. My baby was breathing. I lay on the table trying to listen to every little cry I could... Then the cries stopped. My baby was intubated. This is when I overheard the neonatologist say "She" this and "she" that giving my doctor reports on how my baby was doing... My baby girl... I had a girl.. I was happy about that but very sad that they announced it without letting me find out on my own. I was very specific with that in my birth plan that nobody was to mention the gender until I found out on my own. Signs were hung in the OR and everybody was told... Apparently everybody but the neonatologist.

Around this time I was starting to feel a lot of pain as the medicines were starting to wear off and the doctor was still working on delivering my placenta which ended up being another problem as I placenta accreta and it was not detected with any of my ultrasounds. The problems did not stop there. My placenta was in pieces as it came out. Parts of it had literally dried up inside of me. No wonder my baby was having problems!

I started to somewhat dose off from the pain medicine they had given me. As I was falling asleep my sats started dropping so I was startled awake by the nurse telling me to take deep breaths. The doctor was still working on the placenta at this time and I was still feeling pain. The nurse that was helping the doctor asked me if I wanted to find out the gender before the baby was taken away.. I told her no that I had overheard the doctor mention it and then I started crying. One small thing that I wanted control of was taken away from. It was a minor thing compared to everything else but to me it was HUGE.

My baby was then walked around to me so I could tell her bye as she was being taken to the NICU. I could not see her face at all. The only thing I saw was the ET tube.
The doctor had removed as much placenta as he could and was just starting on sewing my uterus up so it was going to be a while still before I could get an even better look at her. About 30 minutes later he was finally finished and I was taken into a recovery room where I was made to wait about an hour before I was wheeled on a stretched into the NICU to see my girl.

She was perfect. The nurses assured me that she did not have spina bifida and that she was doing well. She was placed on a ventilator, given umbillical lines and a blood transfusion, all things very common with preemies.

Her weight was stated as 885 grams - 1# 9oz but turned out to be wrong. She *was* 885 grams but it translates differently. She was 14 inches long. After seeing her, making sure she was ok and getting the vital stats I had to be wheeled into my new post partum room so I could rest and recover from the most horrible c-section ever.

The entire c-section took about 1.5 hours. During the c-section I lost a bit of blood and a few days later had to have an iron infusion before going home from the hospital. A few hours short of being 2 weeks exactly from the time I went into the hospital I was released. I was so happy to finally be going home but the worst was yet to come. I had to leave my baby at the hospital knowing it would be months before I could take her home.

People who helped welcomed baby Edelyn "Aybra" Morgen:
Mother - Khourtniey
Father - Eden
Auntie - Fallon
Grandmother - Debbie
Uncle - Courtney
Brother - Aloshua

After a few days big brother Kaia and Grandpa Jerry got to welcome Aybra earthside.

Friday, April 18, 2008


Poor Aybra had to get poked twice tonight for an IV :( Her scalp IV blew so they started another one. Pictures from before she was poked.. I got a few after but they didnt turn out all that great.

Thank you Julianna for the adorable preemie contours.


They almost make a blanket for her


And an upclose shot of her pretty bow (Thanks Kelly)


Thursday, April 17, 2008


Blood cultures came back this morning with yeast :( They started her on an anti-fungal for that.

Her PICC line has been pulled (because of the infection) and she was given IVs in her left hand and left foot.

She stopped tolerating her feeds as great as she was so despite having gotten up to 14ml them. Her tummy was also up 1cm.

She had to get another blood transfusion today.

After the transfusion her IV blew so they had to restart one in her scalp :( Her first scalp IV. :(

On the 15th she went to air temp but had to be moved back to skin temp today.

The only good news is she gained some weight. She is now 1120 grams (2# 7oz). Well that and her vent settings look ok. They were able to wean her pressures some.
Settings are:
PEEP 5.5
PIP 22
RR 45
TV 8
O2 21

I cant believe she is already 29 weeks GA!! Almost the entire time I was there she was sucking on her vent tubes. So cute :)

Wednesday, April 16, 2008


Feeds are up to 12ml... Still tolerating fine.

Nothing else really new. She is stable. Vent settings arent horrible. She is doing fine on room air again and only needing to be bumped up for short periods of time.


Tiny baby feet


P.S. Didnt get a chance to talk to the doctor today about that "diagnosis".

"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life" Matthew 6:27

Calls in the middle of the night.

As a preemie parent you come to learn that when the hospital calls you it is never good especially when they call in the middle of the night. I just received one of those dreaded calls.

Aybra is back on the vent. A few days ago she started to become tachypneic. No real problem there as it was kind of coming and going in episodes.... Day or so later she had desat episodes throughout the entire day... Bigger problem but still nothing too bad.. Yesterday she started having apnea episodes and continued to desat with those...They just thought that maybe because of the tachypneia she was getting tired and it was just her way of taking a break well the apnea was still continuing through the night so they intubed her again to give her a real break and see how she does. They will be checking cultures for infection also.

So there is my bad news post. When I had checked on her last at 2am she was still having the apnea and the nurse had increased the flow on her NC again. I kind of thought they might do something when they kept increasing her NC flow but didnt really expect it.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008


Thank you Stacey (MDC) for the first prayer bead:

(You can barely see the bead in the bag but its a super cute little pink flower.

And for the prayer:


Please bless and protect this Mother and Child. Grant them continued Strength and healing as You continue to show them Your love and mercy. Thank You for their presence among us as they reveal Your greatness.


Two adorable outfits from Jodi (PO)


And one VERY excited big brother. He seriously adores his sister so much its unreal. He is going to be VERY protective over her. He already tells people how to handle her... "You can touch her but dont stroke"


And because this was very sweet I had to share it... Kaia was asking about the cover over the bed and the nurse was explaining that it was to help keep the light out... A little later Kaia started asking about the pattern on the cover. The nurse was saying that it was a baby and a mama giraffe because the bed was a Giraffe bed and that the little hearts were on there because the mama loved the baby... Kaia walked over to where I was standing, pointed to one of the hearts and told me that heart meant that he loved me.. I had tears in my eyes because it was so sweet. Then he had to point to all of the other hearts and tell me that each one meant that somebody else loved me. Can we all say "Awwwwwwwwwwww"

And for the update..

1040g! Woohoo! 2# 4 almost 5 oz.
Still tolerating feeds.
Had to have a transfusion today :( But doing really. Nothing too terribly new to report but I did see something today.. a diagnosis that Im not ready to repeat yet because Im not sure if its just a "risk of" and something they are watching for or actual diagnosis :( Im going to ask the doctor tomorrow to find out for sure.

Monday, April 14, 2008


A pictureless update

I didnt have an actual update yesterday because I did not want to jinx anything.

Aybra has been having some breathing issues.. Nothing too majour but it could eventually lead to some setbacks (think CPAP, vent, etc) So far so good though and she is still on just the NC with mostly room air. Today though she had a lot of episodes. Almost every 2 hours she was doing something SPO2 wise.

Also her bili levels have been creeping back up. She might end up back on the lights but Im crossing my fingers there.

She is still tolerating her feeds well and is up to 9ml/90 minutes every 3 hours now!

She was supposed to be weighed tonight. They did not weigh her when I was there so if they weighed her it was after I left and everytime I try to call and check on her I cant get anybody on the dang phone!! With the amount of milk she is taking now she should be gaining great.. but then the breathing issues have me a little worried... However she looks really great... looks like she is putting on weight especially in her face. Even the nurse tonight commented on how great she looked and how it looked like she had gained a lot.

Ill update again in the morning with some pictures and a prayer from her first prayer bead.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

What are prayer beads, and where can I send them?

A few people have asked this so I thought I should answer on here as well.

Prayers beads are like rosary necklaces. Instead of holding the rosary necklace and praying the rosary you hold the beads and pray with them. Basically they are beads with good energy/prayers attached to them.

Any bead will work. It does not have to be anything fancy.

The address to send them to is

Schulist for Aybra
2300 Rebsamen Pk Rd A107
Little Rock, AR 72202


Look at my pretty bow!


Oh no Mum! What are you doing?!? Dont undress me!


Actually, Mum.. I kind of like being naked


Waaaaaaah! Dont put more clothes on me.


Ok Are you done now?


No Mum! Not more pics!!!


Ahh. Much better!



Not too many changes medical wise.. She went up on her feeds to 6ml but she didnt really tolerate the increase. She kept having residuals and her TPT tube kept occluding.. It *seemed* to be placed right though. She is having an X-ray tonight so they will check to be sure.

I got to Kangaroo her again today. She did great. There was a few little desat episodes but for the most part she tolerated it well. She got to stay up for 3 hours!


To pass some of the time I made her a little skirt. The nurse was super tickled with it and had to take some pictures. She also had to call in other nurses to see it. The night nurse printed the pictures off and made these signs. Nevermind her name is spelled wrong.. The pages are adorable. Alos NICU made signs and stuff but never anything like this. Me and sister always made him cute signs to hang up. Those following from PreemiesChat might remember what his ITU walls looked like with all of the beautiful cards they sent him.




Today was the first day Ive really seen her awake.. She is the typical preemie sleeping the day away but today must have been special since she stayed up a lot. She had her eyes open and was just looking around. I got a picture with her eye open tonight. And one of her sleeping :)



And one with Nanny!


Friday, April 11, 2008


Aybra news!

Tonight (the 11th) she lost a bit of weight. She is at 930g.. She is being weighed every other day now.

She is up to 4ml every 3 hours TPT.

Im in the process of making her a cute little skirt. Ill be sure to post a picture when I have it all done. Its so tiny.

I did a horrible horrible thing tonight. I put J&J lotion on her :( (more detailed info on why its so bad here) It was the only thing she had at the hospital and she really needed something. Tomorrow morning Im taking her something better. I already had them throw out the J&J wash but I forgot about the lotion :(

Videos from today to be posted later.

C-sections increase the risk for Postpartum Depression

Im certainly not surprised by that... Do I have PPD? No. I dont think so, but my world has crashed one too many times this year. I have handled everything well so far... Now I just feel sad... like how much more can I take.

Forgive me for ranting but...

Wow.. Is there any other word? Just wow.. Im numb... Hurt, sad, and still just..shocked. Things were going great. Or I thought things were going great. He is gone. Yes. Eden left. Back story a little...

He came and visited me in the hospital on Thursday the 3rd.. Friday I didnt see him or hear from him. Saturday he called me but I missed the call. Sunday he called.. He was very brief, very distant. He normally talks for a while, just asked how the baby was doing and then rushed off of the phone.. Monday I ran into him at the hospital. I asked him if things were sorted. He said they were. He gave me a hug. I hugged him back and told him I missed him. I told him he was a very hard man to get ahold of. I had been trying since Friday. I had sent him messages and tried to call his phone. No answer. No reply to my messages. Nothing. I told him I missed him and just wanted to spend time with him. Well in Aybras room he acted like things were fine.. Shift change was about to happen so I walked with him out. I was going to pump anyway and the pump room was on the way out.. Well I ended up walking him to the elevators. I tried to show affection. He showed me nothing. He wanted me to go outside with him. While waiting for the elevators he made it very clear that things were not "ok" and that he wanted me to go outisde so we could talk more. I had enough trouble walking to the elevators. I was already in pain from that short walk I did not want to go all of the way outside and be in even more pain and I knew that whatever I was going to hear was not going to be good news so I just told him bye, went and pumped, then went into Aybras room and cried. I knew it was over then. Monday night I sent him some text messages and some YIM messages.. Asking him what was up. No reply. No answer. Sent him an email telling him I was hurt. Tuesday same thing. No answer, no reply. Wednesday I sent him an email asking him why he was ignoring me.. He finally answered me today:

"That being said I would not ignore you but I can't be what you may want me to be. I know this breaks your heart but I have to make a decision I will not be given so many chances next time. So I hope we can talk about our child and help guide her to be a good person, without necessarily being at loggerheads. I have shown you my committment I was there with you through the whole process, let me be there as she grows. We will find a way to work things out, I know that and I hope you will forgive me if I have caused you some anguish. I will always love you and I will be there for you. I may not really have helped much financially but I think things will look better and I will help you if you let me do that. So I cant ignore you."

The whole process? Are you kidding me. This "process" is still going on. My little girl is still in the NICU. She is doing fantastic but we are not free from problems yet. Committment? Since when is committment leaving somebody when they most need the support. Committment is sticking it out even when things are tough. Sure, he came and saw me in the hospital almost everyday that I was there.. He even spent the night but now that things have gotten tough he has left.

And love? Correct me if I am wrong but you do not love somebody if you can hurt them how I have been hurt. I told him so many times the past month that I loved him and everytime I got no response. Perhaps that is because he did not love me.

All I want is a little family. My family. Instead I have my sister sleeping with Alo because I can't take care of him right now. I have a child in the hospital and now I have no SO. My family is broken. I can't even hold my child because the pain from the c-section makes it unbearable. Kaia understands as much as he can but he still doesnt "get it". He wants me to pick him up and play with him and I cant. I cant even drive myself to the NICU. Im having to rely on my BIL for that.

All I want is my childs father at the NICU to see her and to support me. I dont want another child growing up without their father. Its bad enough that Kaia will NEVER have a father and now Aybra is on the verge of having a father like Alo's. I dont see things getting better from here. I imagine he will slooooooowly start backing out of her life until he is completely out of the picture. All I want is for him to be there.

I want to go back to being pregnant and forget this whole birth experience. My baby was not supposed to be ripped out of my stomach 3 months early. What happened to the perfect birth? To everything I planned? I made sure to put some of the most important things in my birth plan regarding a c-section if I had to have one... like announcing the gender and even that was ripped away from me. Am I not meant to have a nice birth?

Am I not worthy of having a child that doesnt have to spend time in the NICU. Is my body that bad that I can not carry a child to term. Now I have these horrible scars, physically and emotionally from the worst c-section possible. I am in pain. I can't sleep at night from the pain.

Around 3am last night I called the NICU to check on Aybra.. The nurse asked me if I had gotten up to pump and I told her no I had not been to sleep yet. She asked me why and I just told her I couldnt sleep. How can I tell her that I cant sleep because I am in pain and that Im having a nice little pity party because Im a single mum.. yet again.

I have turned into a prescription drug whore. Ive never taken this many pain pills in my life but I am living on the ones I have now. I am taking medicine around the clock for the pain but it does not go away. The emotions are torture. My body failed. I failed. And now my baby is suffering. All of my babies are suffering and I am too.

I will never be pregnant again. I will never have the perfect birth. Thanks to my lovely hacked up uterus I will never have a VBAC. I will never even be considered a candidate for one and I refuse to have another c-section. All of this because I got involved with the wrong man. A man that I thought was different.. A man that WAS different at first.. But things changed quickly. And now I will always be reminded of that. I will never be free of these scars.

Now.. Back to the regularly scheduled Aybra updates... Kudos to you if you made it this far. I never intended for this to be so long but I had to get it out.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

4.10.08 Kangaroo-ing!!!

First.. The little updates... Still tolerating the formula digestive wise but she has been having desats with her feeds.. Guessing reflux related. She has been on Reglan and it wasnt really helping. Today they switched her feeds from OG tube to a TPT tube.. Basically the OG goes into her stomach and the TPT bypasses her stomach.. She is fed through the TPT tube now. She still has the OG tube so they can check to see if anything is coming back and to vent her belly. So far so good with the TPT. Her feeds are up to 2.5ml every 3 hours run on the pump for 1.5 hours.

Alo finally got to touch Aybra.. He wasnt really interested though :) He just wanted to play with the doors to the bed.. Open and close, open and close....


And some of the best news.. I finally got to really hold her... for an hour... She did pretty good too. She was 98.0 when she came out. Got down to 96.6.. Put some heat packs on her and a few minutes later she was 97.5.. At the end of the Kangaroo she was 98.5! Higher than when she came out :) She enjoyed being held.. She was half way sleeping half way wanting to look around. She kept desatting some. Thought maybe she wasnt tolerating it well, but turns out she had one of the prongs from her cannula out of her nose... So we guess that is the reason for the desats but we didnt notice it until the end so not sure how she would have done with both prongs in her nose... In a day or so I will get to hold her again.

Me and Aybra


Me and Aybra...