Friday, April 11, 2008

C-sections increase the risk for Postpartum Depression

Im certainly not surprised by that... Do I have PPD? No. I dont think so, but my world has crashed one too many times this year. I have handled everything well so far... Now I just feel sad... like how much more can I take.

Forgive me for ranting but...

Wow.. Is there any other word? Just wow.. Im numb... Hurt, sad, and still just..shocked. Things were going great. Or I thought things were going great. He is gone. Yes. Eden left. Back story a little...

He came and visited me in the hospital on Thursday the 3rd.. Friday I didnt see him or hear from him. Saturday he called me but I missed the call. Sunday he called.. He was very brief, very distant. He normally talks for a while, just asked how the baby was doing and then rushed off of the phone.. Monday I ran into him at the hospital. I asked him if things were sorted. He said they were. He gave me a hug. I hugged him back and told him I missed him. I told him he was a very hard man to get ahold of. I had been trying since Friday. I had sent him messages and tried to call his phone. No answer. No reply to my messages. Nothing. I told him I missed him and just wanted to spend time with him. Well in Aybras room he acted like things were fine.. Shift change was about to happen so I walked with him out. I was going to pump anyway and the pump room was on the way out.. Well I ended up walking him to the elevators. I tried to show affection. He showed me nothing. He wanted me to go outside with him. While waiting for the elevators he made it very clear that things were not "ok" and that he wanted me to go outisde so we could talk more. I had enough trouble walking to the elevators. I was already in pain from that short walk I did not want to go all of the way outside and be in even more pain and I knew that whatever I was going to hear was not going to be good news so I just told him bye, went and pumped, then went into Aybras room and cried. I knew it was over then. Monday night I sent him some text messages and some YIM messages.. Asking him what was up. No reply. No answer. Sent him an email telling him I was hurt. Tuesday same thing. No answer, no reply. Wednesday I sent him an email asking him why he was ignoring me.. He finally answered me today:

"That being said I would not ignore you but I can't be what you may want me to be. I know this breaks your heart but I have to make a decision I will not be given so many chances next time. So I hope we can talk about our child and help guide her to be a good person, without necessarily being at loggerheads. I have shown you my committment I was there with you through the whole process, let me be there as she grows. We will find a way to work things out, I know that and I hope you will forgive me if I have caused you some anguish. I will always love you and I will be there for you. I may not really have helped much financially but I think things will look better and I will help you if you let me do that. So I cant ignore you."

The whole process? Are you kidding me. This "process" is still going on. My little girl is still in the NICU. She is doing fantastic but we are not free from problems yet. Committment? Since when is committment leaving somebody when they most need the support. Committment is sticking it out even when things are tough. Sure, he came and saw me in the hospital almost everyday that I was there.. He even spent the night but now that things have gotten tough he has left.

And love? Correct me if I am wrong but you do not love somebody if you can hurt them how I have been hurt. I told him so many times the past month that I loved him and everytime I got no response. Perhaps that is because he did not love me.

All I want is a little family. My family. Instead I have my sister sleeping with Alo because I can't take care of him right now. I have a child in the hospital and now I have no SO. My family is broken. I can't even hold my child because the pain from the c-section makes it unbearable. Kaia understands as much as he can but he still doesnt "get it". He wants me to pick him up and play with him and I cant. I cant even drive myself to the NICU. Im having to rely on my BIL for that.

All I want is my childs father at the NICU to see her and to support me. I dont want another child growing up without their father. Its bad enough that Kaia will NEVER have a father and now Aybra is on the verge of having a father like Alo's. I dont see things getting better from here. I imagine he will slooooooowly start backing out of her life until he is completely out of the picture. All I want is for him to be there.

I want to go back to being pregnant and forget this whole birth experience. My baby was not supposed to be ripped out of my stomach 3 months early. What happened to the perfect birth? To everything I planned? I made sure to put some of the most important things in my birth plan regarding a c-section if I had to have one... like announcing the gender and even that was ripped away from me. Am I not meant to have a nice birth?

Am I not worthy of having a child that doesnt have to spend time in the NICU. Is my body that bad that I can not carry a child to term. Now I have these horrible scars, physically and emotionally from the worst c-section possible. I am in pain. I can't sleep at night from the pain.

Around 3am last night I called the NICU to check on Aybra.. The nurse asked me if I had gotten up to pump and I told her no I had not been to sleep yet. She asked me why and I just told her I couldnt sleep. How can I tell her that I cant sleep because I am in pain and that Im having a nice little pity party because Im a single mum.. yet again.

I have turned into a prescription drug whore. Ive never taken this many pain pills in my life but I am living on the ones I have now. I am taking medicine around the clock for the pain but it does not go away. The emotions are torture. My body failed. I failed. And now my baby is suffering. All of my babies are suffering and I am too.

I will never be pregnant again. I will never have the perfect birth. Thanks to my lovely hacked up uterus I will never have a VBAC. I will never even be considered a candidate for one and I refuse to have another c-section. All of this because I got involved with the wrong man. A man that I thought was different.. A man that WAS different at first.. But things changed quickly. And now I will always be reminded of that. I will never be free of these scars.

Now.. Back to the regularly scheduled Aybra updates... Kudos to you if you made it this far. I never intended for this to be so long but I had to get it out.


Nic said...'re right -- that is the only word that fits what you are dealing with. Its completely unfair that will all the things you are facing you have to deal with him treating you this way. I'm so sorry! I can not fully understand, but I can sympathize on the level of having a guy who picks the wrong times to melt down and disappear when you need him the most. My dad did that growing up and there were times that my husband has managed that one through the years. Luckily, both of them are there for me 100% now. But, really, I'm so sorry you are going through everything at once. I'm still praying for you, Kaia, Alo and Aybra. Maybe Aybra's father will realize he's making a huge mistake and come to his senses. Again, I can't imagine having to deal with soooo much. I doubt there's much, but if there is anything at all I can to do help, I'd be happy to. (((hugs)))

rachaelkhb1 said...

Wow, hon. First, I want to give you a huge hug. I wish I could be there in person to give you one, to hug the hurts away, but I can't. You did nothing to deserve what's happened to you hon. SO shouldn't have walked out. You are an incredible mom, and no, you're not a failure just because you can't carry a child to term. I know it feels that way right now, but don't go by how you feel. What I found out when my husband walked out when I was 6 months pregnant was that even though I had to grieve and hurt like hell for a while, I found that I also carried within me an inner strength that I never imagined I could posess. I've seen the pictures of you with Abrya. Do you even realize how strong you already are? I can see it in your eyes--a look of determination and love, of a woman who is strong and who won't back down, of a woman who loves and doesn't deserve this kind of rejection. I'll definitely be praying for you. If you'd like, on there is a Single & Pregnant board that I'm the moderator of (most of us have had babies, but we still stick around), and you'll never find a more supportive bunch of women who will reach out to you when you feel like dying on the inside.


Madeleine said...

How awful. Those feelings of desperation and utter pain are not easy to deal with especially so soon after Aybra's birth. You are such a strong person although you may not feel like you are. Not many women would be able to go through everything you have at such a young age. You have taken care of those boys like no one else could and Aybra is lucky to have you. As for men remember what I told you that time. "Nice over everything else, and sometimes when you kiss a frog he turns into a true prince, LOL"
Many Hugs and Kisses from both Spencer and Me..........

Nancy Brown said...

Hey Khourt,

First off keep going. I am sorry you are dealing with all of this.

Second, I had a c section from hell that ended up having to be reopened and a wound vac attached to then be reopened again and surgically closed. As I read the pain you were having I cringed. I am sorry that this was not what you wanted or expected.

Good luck... thanks for the updates. She is beautiful

mia said...

Dear Khourtniey,
This is what i know. You are a deeply talented woman, who can do anything that you put your mind to. You are a wonderful mother, who puts her kids above all other things. You are strong. (even if you don't feel it now) You are a woman i look up to.
I know that life is hard right now. I know it feels like the world is dumping on you...but you need to "roll with the punches" as my grand mother would say. I never, knew what she meant by this when i was a teenager (i thought she was nuts) but then i see what it means. You cant give up on life. You just need to live. Life sucks at times, but i know that life is also beautiful. You have three amazing kids. All of them love their sweet mama. You are the most blessed.


AlyssaDanteLilly said...

i pray for u and kaia alo and aybra!

Cheryl said...

First of all, congratulations on your beautiful little Aybra...if she is any where near as strong as her beautiful mum, she will do very well and ride the ups and downs of the NICU with pinache:)

Damn! Where do men get off, anyway? You know, they really haven't got a clue...Eden is really the one losing out here, and I sincerely pray that someday your heart will heal enough to see the truth of that. Nothing more WEAK and PITIFUL than a man who cannot (or choses not to)fulfill his promises and his obligations!

Awww...sending you hugs, lots of hugs, honey...old-fashioned granny hugs...that is all I can do...but, should there be anything I can really do to help you out, just say so and I am there! Email me, you know the address.

Please don't ever stop believing in are one each amazing young woman...and your children are so very lucky to have you as their mum!!!

Will check back daily to see how you and your kidlets are the meantime, sending hugs, prayers and love,

Maryclo said...

Beautiful Khourt,

You are going thru so much... I am so sorry to hear that Eden can't take this. It is not about you, it is about him. You are a very strong young lady and a very amazing one. You have three beautiful children that will always love you. You're hurting now inside and out and I wish this pain gets better everyday. Life hurts really bad sometimes but there is a tomorrow when this will be only a sad memory. You will make thru this and I do believe that one day Eden will realize what he just did. No one walks out on a situation like this, and if a father does this then he doesn't have a heart and you're better off without him. I am so sorry this is happening.
We love you and we are thinking of you praying for your pain to go away.
Many hugs,
Maria, Marina and Gabriela

Anonymous said...

I'm so so sorry to read about your SO walking out and all the pain that you are in!
I know that right now you are in an emotional hell, but when you're up to feeling practical, I hope that you're going to do everything that you need to do to make sure he is at least held financially responsible for your little girl. And, I hope that you are talking to your doc about your pain. That's not something to just tough out.

Many hugs mama and congratulations on your strong little addition. May you see in her the strength she finds in you :)

Tanja (from SCAP)

alystyn said...

Oh mama, I can just hear so much pain in your writings. They butchered you, and then your man walks out on you? What kind of man would walk out on the woman he "loves" at a time like this? A weak pathetic excuse for a human being. I'm so sorry for all this. Aybra is so little and cute, and you are such a strong woman to be able to be there for her. Sending you lots of hugs.

--Tori (from TBW)

The Preemie Mile said...

Thanks everybody. When he walked out on me I told him it would be best for him to stay away for a while because I just cant stand to be around him or have anything to do with him right now... He had agreed but then changed his mind. I honestly think he is only doing it so he looks good because he had nothing at all to say when I asked him to stay away.. He didnt say no or anything. Just agreed quite quickly. When he did I gave him the blog link and Im sure he read this post and thats what changed his mind... He suddenly wants to be a dad and be involved in her life and all kinds of other bullshit... I dont buy it... So now he is back to making my life a living hell. He has already hurt me so much and by him just being around right now he is doing more damage. I just want to focus on Aybra and the boys but with him around I cant. He seems to think I should just go on like things are fine but they arent. Things might be fine with him and his perfect little family but they arent fine here. Im still the one going and spending hours every single day at the NICU while he only visits every other day (if thats even true) for maybe 10-30 minutes at a time. He never calls between those visits. He said he was there Sunday night. The nurses chart all visits and phone calls.. The last visit they have charted for him was the 10th.. the 4th and the 2nd.. I know they dont chart some visits because they didnt chart mine on the 12th but they charted my phone calls on the 12th.. I find it very odd that they would chart all of mine (or nearly all of mine) and very few of his..

Angie said...

Khourtniey -

I'm from MDC and I read your blog regularly (we were due on the same day, 7/3) and it warms my heart to see your beautiful baby. She is living proof that you are NOT a failure, in any way, shape or form. Your SO has absolutely no idea what he is screwing up. My thoughts go out to you, I will be thinking of you every day, and sending as much love as I can. You're a strong, wonderful woman, a mother that every woman can hope to measure up to. Your boys and now your daughter are your daily affirmation of your worth, your strength and your love.

So much love and support to you...
Angie (SeekingSerenity from MDC)