C-sections increase the risk for Postpartum Depression

Im certainly not surprised by that... Do I have PPD? No. I dont think so, but my world has crashed one too many times this year. I have handled everything well so far... Now I just feel sad... like how much more can I take.


Forgive me for ranting but...


Wow.. Is there any other word? Just wow.. Im numb... Hurt, sad, and still just..shocked. Things were going great. Or I thought things were going great. He is gone. Yes. Eden left. Back story a little...

He came and visited me in the hospital on Thursday the 3rd.. Friday I didnt see him or hear from him. Saturday he called me but I missed the call. Sunday he called.. He was very brief, very distant. He normally talks for a while, just asked how the baby was doing and then rushed off of the phone.. Monday I ran into him at the hospital. I asked him if things were sorted. He said they were. He gave me a hug. I hugged him back and told him I missed him. I told him he was a very hard man to get ahold of. I had been trying since Friday. I had sent him messages and tried to call his phone. No answer. No reply to my messages. Nothing. I told him I missed him and just wanted to spend time with him. Well in Aybras room he acted like things were fine.. Shift change was about to happen so I walked with him out. I was going to pump anyway and the pump room was on the way out.. Well I ended up walking him to the elevators. I tried to show affection. He showed me nothing. He wanted me to go outside with him. While waiting for the elevators he made it very clear that things were not "ok" and that he wanted me to go outisde so we could talk more. I had enough trouble walking to the elevators. I was already in pain from that short walk I did not want to go all of the way outside and be in even more pain and I knew that whatever I was going to hear was not going to be good news so I just told him bye, went and pumped, then went into Aybras room and cried. I knew it was over then. Monday night I sent him some text messages and some YIM messages.. Asking him what was up. No reply. No answer. Sent him an email telling him I was hurt. Tuesday same thing. No answer, no reply. Wednesday I sent him an email asking him why he was ignoring me.. He finally answered me today:

"That being said I would not ignore you but I can't be what you may want me to be. I know this breaks your heart but I have to make a decision I will not be given so many chances next time. So I hope we can talk about our child and help guide her to be a good person, without necessarily being at loggerheads. I have shown you my committment I was there with you through the whole process, let me be there as she grows. We will find a way to work things out, I know that and I hope you will forgive me if I have caused you some anguish. I will always love you and I will be there for you. I may not really have helped much financially but I think things will look better and I will help you if you let me do that. So I cant ignore you."

The whole process? Are you kidding me. This "process" is still going on. My little girl is still in the NICU. She is doing fantastic but we are not free from problems yet. Committment? Since when is committment leaving somebody when they most need the support. Committment is sticking it out even when things are tough. Sure, he came and saw me in the hospital almost everyday that I was there.. He even spent the night but now that things have gotten tough he has left.

And love? Correct me if I am wrong but you do not love somebody if you can hurt them how I have been hurt. I told him so many times the past month that I loved him and everytime I got no response. Perhaps that is because he did not love me.

All I want is a little family. My family. Instead I have my sister sleeping with Alo because I can't take care of him right now. I have a child in the hospital and now I have no SO. My family is broken. I can't even hold my child because the pain from the c-section makes it unbearable. Kaia understands as much as he can but he still doesnt "get it". He wants me to pick him up and play with him and I cant. I cant even drive myself to the NICU. Im having to rely on my BIL for that.

All I want is my childs father at the NICU to see her and to support me. I dont want another child growing up without their father. Its bad enough that Kaia will NEVER have a father and now Aybra is on the verge of having a father like Alo's. I dont see things getting better from here. I imagine he will slooooooowly start backing out of her life until he is completely out of the picture. All I want is for him to be there.

I want to go back to being pregnant and forget this whole birth experience. My baby was not supposed to be ripped out of my stomach 3 months early. What happened to the perfect birth? To everything I planned? I made sure to put some of the most important things in my birth plan regarding a c-section if I had to have one... like announcing the gender and even that was ripped away from me. Am I not meant to have a nice birth?

Am I not worthy of having a child that doesnt have to spend time in the NICU. Is my body that bad that I can not carry a child to term. Now I have these horrible scars, physically and emotionally from the worst c-section possible. I am in pain. I can't sleep at night from the pain.

Around 3am last night I called the NICU to check on Aybra.. The nurse asked me if I had gotten up to pump and I told her no I had not been to sleep yet. She asked me why and I just told her I couldnt sleep. How can I tell her that I cant sleep because I am in pain and that Im having a nice little pity party because Im a single mum.. yet again.

I have turned into a prescription drug whore. Ive never taken this many pain pills in my life but I am living on the ones I have now. I am taking medicine around the clock for the pain but it does not go away. The emotions are torture. My body failed. I failed. And now my baby is suffering. All of my babies are suffering and I am too.

I will never be pregnant again. I will never have the perfect birth. Thanks to my lovely hacked up uterus I will never have a VBAC. I will never even be considered a candidate for one and I refuse to have another c-section. All of this because I got involved with the wrong man. A man that I thought was different.. A man that WAS different at first.. But things changed quickly. And now I will always be reminded of that. I will never be free of these scars.

Now.. Back to the regularly scheduled Aybra updates... Kudos to you if you made it this far. I never intended for this to be so long but I had to get it out.